7 September 2026

9 Months. The last time I actually wrote something. Since then there were couple of attempts to fill the void but non of them were powerful enough to come to surface or able to pass my mental filter of what is good or not.

This is another attempt.

I’m tired. I’ve never been this tired before. I’ve never been this tired in my life mentally. I’m basically in the edge of life or death. I now completely understand why people get addicted to the alcohol or drugs. I really understand the people why choose to stop trying and… end up like Kurt Cobain. This is unbearable. I’m aware there are many many many different problems around the world and I’m not trying to say that “mine is bigger”. What I am trying to say is, for me this is huge and unbearable right now. I can’t stop thinking about it. There is almost nothing more I can do. I’m already performing +100% of my mental and physical energy.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. I lost my desire on pretty much everything to be honest. Just have a look at some of my old blogs and you will see the difference.

I’m having problem to write, read a book, watching movies or series, taking pictures, running, cycling, playing guitar and socialising. I started to understand the people who have addictions. I keep seeing the advertisement about “talk to someone”, “...... Yourself is not a solution”, “we are always here and you are not alone”.

I’m playing only video games right now. This is the only thing makes me stop thinking about my problem, because I fucking hate the game I am playing. Yeah, it’s worse than smoking tbh.

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I have traveled to Türkiye about a month ago. I went to troy. I bought the Iliad and the Odyssey books and research a lot about trojan war and that period of history. I unfortunately I can’t talk more than this because mentally I am not able to right now. I didn’t even checked the pictures that I took. I didn’t share anything in instagram for about 2 months I guess. I’m not going to concerts anymore. I’m not socialising as much as before. I rarely meeting or talking with anyone new. On top of it my closes friend in here, moved back to Istanbul.

I’m on square zero, no friends, no job.